25+ Hours of Christmas Music

No, smartass, the title of this post does not refer to a method of torture used on prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.  25+ hours of Christmas music is a reference to my MP3 playlist of holiday tunes.  Which, given that Halloween is now over, I have already started listening to for the year. 

 

The Music of My Childhood

Growing up, there wasn’t a lot of music in my life.  If I went somewhere with Dad, the radio in his pickup was on and tuned to a country and western station.  Mom, on the other hand, always drove radio silent. 

The radio was only on in the house on rare occasions, and then, once again, it was playing country music.  Mom and Dad had a large stack of records, but they were almost never played. 

I was allowed to listen to music if I wanted… but only country and western.  Dad would not have that ‘rock-and-roll crap’ in his house.  There’s a scene in The Blues Brothers where Elwood asks the waitress in Bob’s Country Bunker what kind of music they normally have there, to which she replies, “Oh, we got both kinds. We got country and western!”  That sums up my Dad’s attitude towards music. 

The one real exception to there not typically being music in the house was between the time we got home from Aunt Grace’s house following Thanksgiving dinner up until New Years’ Day.  There was music then.  Christmas music.  And while some of it was indeed country and western Christmas music, the majority of it was not. 

That was the only period of time each year that I can remember actually enjoying music as a young child.  

The Original Collection

My Mom loved Christmas music.  As a result of which, she had a lot of it.  This was way back in the days of dinosaurs and vinyl records.  And Mom had a stack (yes, I know it’s not good for them to stack vinyl records – leave me alone) of Christmas albums on vinyl that stood between two and three feet tall. 

The stereo system at home (mid-70s all-in-one radio, turntable, cassette deck) was built to handle up to four records at once. So, we’d load up four Christmas albums onto it, and start it up. Listen to side one of all four albums, then flip the stack over, and listen to all of those side twos.  After which we’d swap out those four albums for four fresh ones. 

And so it went. 

She had Elvis, the Beach Boys, Barbara Streisand, Frank Sinatra, Andy Williams, Dean Martin, Johnny Cash, the Statler Brothers, Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers, Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, Tony Bennett, Johnny Mathis, and a Charlie Brown Christmas. Along with so many others.

I had gotten a copy of the Sesame Street Christmas album (for Christmas, naturally) one year, and that album lived in the stack with all of Mom’s.  Later on the John Denver and the Muppets album was also added in. 

She also had the Ventures’ Christmas album.  The Ventures were a surf-guitar band, and their contribution to Christmas music included what my child self considered his favorite holiday tune. Entitled “Scrooge”, it was an instrumental piece (like the rest of the album) with the exception of a few bursts of maniacal laughter here and there throughout the song.  I cannot describe it. But if you’re curious, search “Ventures Scrooge” on YouTube and give it a listen. 

Why was that my favorite? I don’t know. It may have had to do with its simple uniqueness. The majority of Christmas music (at that time, anyway) was just people covering older songs for the umpteenth time, whereas Scrooge was exclusive to that one band, that one album.  It also may have been because it’s a surf guitar instrumental with occasional cackling being presented as Christmas music, and I was a weird kid. Who knows?

My Own Personal Collection

It wasn’t long after getting my first CD player that I started picking up disks of Christmas music for it.  But I’d say that about the first dozen were a real mixed bag. 

I know that I picked up a couple of the Mannheim Steamroller albums, which I enjoyed.  I also had a couple of volumes from the Time Life Treasury of Christmas, which offered up a good sampling of classic traditional holiday music. 

But I also had a handful of CDs that were just absolute garbage.  I picked them up because they were relatively inexpensive and had a lot of songs on them.  But it was definitely a case of quantity over quality.  I think that I probably listened to each disk once, and then it would never again see the inside of my CD player.  After that I decided not to be lured in by cheap Christmas CDs with no credited artists on the cover. 

I instead focused on CD versions of vinyl albums I’d loved as a child, and new albums by artists I liked. 

I got a CD of the Statler Brothers Christmas Card when I saw it, because of all of the country and western Christmas albums I’d heard growing up, it was the only one I actually didn’t mind. 

Elvis’ Christmas albums were a must-have. 

I searched for the Sesame Street Christmas album, to no avail.  It did not exist on CD.  Years later they would release an ‘updated’ version of the album on cassette. But the updates mainly consisted of stripping out some of the currently obscure Muppets that were regulars in my day, replacing them with present day Muppet darlings like Elmo and Telly Monster.  (Yikes.)

Having been a longtime fan of Neil Diamond, I immediately jumped on each of his Christmas albums upon their release.  They were all good, but not spectacular. Spectacular happened when Cyndi Lauper dropped her Christmas album. They Might Be Giants – who I’d been saying for years needed to do a Christmas album – eventually released a five song effort that only touched on what I’d wanted from them. (Sigh.)

My friend Mike was into Harry Connick, Jr. at the time he released his first Christmas album, so I had a chance to listen to that, and then immediately got my own copy of the disk.  (At one point I was over at my parent’s house, playing the CD for Mom. My cousin happened to be over at the time as well, and she asked me, “How can you call this Christmas music?”  Apparently not a fan.) 

A not insignificant portion of my CD collection in those days came from the Columbia House and BMG Music clubs.  And one day, while looking at the current music catalog from one of those, I saw a disk on sale that piqued my interest.  Christmas Caravan by the Squirrel Nut Zippers. I’d heard of the band, but didn’t think that I’d ever heard them.  But as I said, it was on sale. Something inside me pushed me toward ordering it. So I did. 

It eventually arrived in my mailbox, and I brought it into the house, and opened it, and put it into my CD player, and then… Yeah. And then. Christmas Caravan completely changed my outlook on the subject of Christmas music. 

What I was expecting was the same old, same old. Nothing new and exciting. Another typical Christmas album. What I got? What I got blew open all the doors in my brain. 

Instead of a bunch of your typical covers of ancient Christmas songs and maybe one or two pieces unique to the album, I sat there listening to ten tracks that I had never heard before. And they were all outstanding. 

I later discovered that two of the songs – Sleigh Ride and Winter Weather – were indeed covers of ancient Christmas songs (originating in 1948 and 1941, respectively), I had just never heard them before. 

An album full of jazzy, upbeat, 20s swing inspired Christmas music. (1920s, not the current 20s.)  It’s incredibly fun to listen to.

And Christmas Caravan was the first time (now that I think about it, maybe the only time) I ever experienced Gift of the Magi in song. I’d heard spoken word versions, I’d read it, I’d read parodies and weird retellings of it, but never in song.

From that point on, while I was still definitely picking up new Christmas albums from artists that I liked, my main focus became finding new Christmas songs. Especially the unusual ones. 

The Playlist

I eventually decided that CDs were too much of a hassle when I spent the majority of my time sitting at my computer and MP3s existed.  I ripped nearly my entire CD collection to MP3 format, which of course included the majority of my Christmas albums. 

From that point I switched from getting my music on CD to getting it over the internet. Either entire albums of material or song by song.

Internet access to MP3s is what caused the real growth to the Christmas music playlist. At this moment, that playlist contains 672 songs. And that number will no doubt grow larger as we’re back into Christmas music season again.

Retail Based Intolerance

Most of the people that I know (family, friends, friends-of-friends, acquaintances, and so on) do not like Christmas music. No, that’s not quite strong enough. They usually hate Christmas music. 

That’s what they claim, anyway. I think that what’s really going on is that they have an inability to tolerate Christmas music. Subtle distinction, but distinction nonetheless.  Their tolerance for Christmas music has, over time, been worn down to nothing. 

The thing that the majority of these people seem to have in common is that they have all worked retail during the holiday season. 

Okay, I can understand how listening to a limited selection of Christmas songs on repeat for eight hours at a time could wear down the Christmas music tolerant portions of a person’s brain.  It wouldn’t have that effect on me, because I’ve got OCD with a special affinity for repetition, but for a normal person, I can certainly understand it. 

(Of course, I’m the guy who used to get up every morning, press play and repeat on the CD player, then turn it back off just before I went to bed every night. Not changing the disk inside the player for days on end.)

The Good Christmas Music

Present day, I listen to Christmas music for a longer period of time than that set down by the rules of my Mom and Aunt Grace. Instead of late Thanksgiving to January 1^st, it’s late Halloween to January 6^th. 

And when those Christmas music intolerant people discover this about me their typical response is along the lines of, “How can you stand to listen to that much of that crap for that long?!?”

My therapist, for example, has made comments indicating that he thinks that I’m sitting there listening to 600 different covers of Jingle Bells. Jingle Bells is apparently what Christmas music equals in his brain. Which I find just sad. 

Anyway, when these people ask me the ‘how’ and ‘why’ questions pertaining to my Christmas music input, the first thing I point out to them is that I’m not just listening to any stuff that comes my way. I’m only listening to the good Christmas music.

Then after waiting for the inevitable scoffing and declarations that there is no such thing as good Christmas music, I engage in a conversation-over-time that usually ends up with me burning them a CD (or moving files onto a USB-drive, or whatever today’s technology happens to be) and making them promise to at least try it once. 

I’m proud to say that I have converted more than one naysayer to the concept of the good Christmas music with this technique.

The Top Twenty-Five

The original subheading for this section was “The Top Ten”. Yeah, that didn’t last very long. Ten became fifteen, which then became twenty, and once I actually typed up my list (which was 27 songs) I decided to cap it at twenty-five. One song per hour of playlist isn’t bad, right?

None of the songs on this list are your traditional classic Christmas songs.  I contemplated also including a list of my favorite traditional covers, but quickly realized that it would be too difficult to narrow everything down. I mean some were obvious: If you’ve only got one cover of The Little Drummer Boy on your list you’ll want the one by Ringo Starr. That’s just common sense. But Baby It’s Cold Outside? Couldn’t narrow it down past three possibilities. Don’t even get me started on the Twelve Days of Christmas.

Anyway, this list isn’t the twenty-five best Christmas songs ever. It’s not even necessarily my all-time favorite twenty-five. This list is more like the current version of my constantly shifting favorites list. It’ll change from year to year based on mood. And it’ll also change as new songs get added into the general playlist. It’s all in alphabetical order because that was the only order where I didn’t have to think too hard about what to put where. 

Here we go…

A Great Big Sled – I was hooked on this song by the Killers from the opening lyric, “The snowman is shaping up to be an eight but not out of ten”. Brilliant. The song is basically about growing out of your childhood and innocence, and wanting to go back there at Christmastime.

Christmas Conga – A Christmas song that we can start dancing a conga line to? Thank you, Cyndi Lauper! “Come and hold my hips a little longer / As we do the Christmas Conga / Bonga bonga bonga / Do the Christmas Conga!” Yeah. Do the Christmas Conga indeed!

Del Davis Tree Farm – There are a number of groups that I’d like to see release a Christmas album, and Primus is near the top of that list. While not exactly a Christmas song, this Primus tune about Del Davis (the man who runs the tree farm that the band’s frontman and bassist Les Claypool gets his Christmas tree from every year) is about as close as we’re going to get. Once I had that realization, into my Christmas playlist it went. (Hey, I mentioned earlier that I had been a weird kid. Guess what? I grew up into a weird adult.)

Don’t Shoot Me Santa – This song is primarily a conversation between a kid who has been killing off the other children on his block for teasing him, and Santa Claus, who has arrived on the scene with a bullet in his gun to put a stop to it. Weird song. The title alone is what led me to the Killers’ Christmas album, and it’s just chock full of creative weirdness. 

Gift of the Magi – Ah, the aforementioned Gift of the Magi! I’m sure that you’re all familiar with the basic story, but just in case: Husband and wife, each with no money to buy a Christmas present for their spouse. Man sells his father’s gold watch for money to buy silver combs for her hair. Wife sells her hair to buy a chain for his father’s gold watch. And both are very surprised come Christmas morning. The story is a classic, and when set to music by the Squirrel Nut Zippers it becomes so much more than its source material.

Gotta Be Good – This Chris Isaak song is about how you’ve gotta be good before Christmas, and acknowledges that it’s hard to do. The bulk of the song is good, but the opening lines (and a set of similar lines about halfway through the song) sung in a deep, almost sinister gravelly voice are what puts this song on the list. “Bad little girls / bad little boys / stay up all night / don’t get no toys.”

Good to be Bad – This song by a cappella group Pentatonix is basically an apology to Santa for bad behavior throughout the year because “Sometimes it feels so good to be bad”. Pentatonix is a weird phenomenon. They have enough Christmas albums that last year they were able to release a ‘Best Of’ Christmas album. I’m not complaining about their holiday output, but you have to agree that isn’t normal.

House of Broken Gingerbread – This is off of the Monkees recent Christmas album, which I wasn’t a huge fan of at first, but has definitely grown on me. The song is from the point of view of a child of divorced parents, who is spending his first Christmas living alternately with both. It’s a good song, but I’m not 100% certain that if would have made the list if I hadn’t known that it was co-written by Michael Chabon, author of the Pulitzer Prize winning novel “The Adventures of Kavalier and Clay” (a personal favorite), along with being one of the architects and writers for Star Trek: Picard.

I’m the Real Santa – He’s the real Santa. Not the one from the North Pole (which is “another Finnish fake”), but from the North of Sweden. He dresses the same, his beard is real, he’s been riding around in Christmas style (for a long long while). He’s the real Santa. This is from the Refreshments’ Christmas album, which I talked about for the song “The Billy Goat” before writing about this song, which ended up higher on the list due to alphabetization. Confused yet?

Indian Giver – My brain and I had quite the argument over whether or not I should include this Squirrel Nut Zippers song on the list. Yes, the title of the song (and a recurring lyric throughout the song) are a racial slur. Would I prefer that they used a different term for that? Yes, of course. But do I love this song despite its use of that term? I’m sorry, but yes, I do. The song predates my privileged white realization that the term in question would be offensive to people.  It’s the sad story of a man who is continually given things for Christmas and then has them taken back by the original giver. The end of the song where Santa’s traditional Ho-Ho-Ho easily transitions to him making fun of the singer’s crying just makes the song for me. I sincerely apologize to any Indigenous People offended by my endorsement of this song. But I felt I had to be honest, and this is in my top twenty-five.

Minnie and Santa – Cyndi Lauper brings us this tale of an older lady who sets out to meet/seduce Santa…and apparently succeeds. It’s a clean song with very little innuendo. And like I said: Cyndi Lauper. I do believe that I would listen to her sing the phone book. On repeat. (And maybe shuffle.)

Nothin’ New for New Year – New Year’s songs (like Auld Lang Syne and What Are You Doing New Years) are always accepted under the Christmas music umbrella. And as this was on Harry Connick, Jr.’s second Christmas album, I’ve decided that it definitely belongs here. A duet with country music legend George Jones, this song is about having nobody new in your life to celebrate New Year’s with. While I’m not a George Jones fan, his vocals on this song are outstanding.

Oi to the World – This is what people tend to think of when someone says punk rock Christmas. Originally written and performed by the Vandals, it was the version on my list (a cover by No Doubt) that popularized the song. I am not going to say anything about the song’s lyrics or story other than that I suggest you seek it out and give it a good listen. The lyrics are so entertaining and well constructed that I simply cannot bring myself to spoil any aspect of it for you.

River – Okay, this song (originally by Joni Mitchell) is probably the most covered Christmas song on the list. And while I love the song itself, which is about the singer’s recent romantic breakup and their desire to escape the pain and emotions which follow, one of the key selling points of this particular cover is that it’s done by Robert Downey, Jr.  “I wish I had a river I could skate away on.” This would have still been on a top five list. (Possibly even a top two list.)

Scrooge – All these years later, and while this is no longer my absolute favorite piece of Christmas music, it’s still high on my list. (Fortunately my decision to go alphabetical saved me from having to figure out exactly where on the list it would go.) Surf guitar and maniacal cackling. Gets me every time.

Thank God It’s Christmas – An original Christmas song by rock legends Queen. Shouldn’t need any more information than that. (Shortest explanation yet.)

The Billy Goat – Every year since 1966, merchants in Gavle, Sweden have erected a giant straw goat over the course of two days at the beginning of Advent.  Damaging this goat is illegal (punishable by fines and jail time), but that hasn’t stopped it from being destroyed by arsonists, vandals, or just general purpose drunk people 38 times in the past 56 years. Why am I telling you this story? Because Swedish rock group The Refreshments (not to be confused with American alternative rock group The Refreshments) included a song about it called “The Billy Goat” on their Christmas album. And that song has replaced “Scrooge” in my heart as my go-to favorite piece of Christmas music. But with a chorus like, “Someone set the goat on fire / Flames are growing higher and higher / All around kids are crying / Hurry hurry the goat is dying” how could it not?

The Hat I Got For Christmas Is Too Beeg – Mel Blanc singing in a thick Mexican accent about a little boy with an over-large sombrero. Is that politically correct?  Hmm.  Probably not. But it’s on the list anyway. Because it’s hilarious. Mel Blanc! The little kid sounds like a Mexican Bugs Bunny! And because his hat is too big (sorry, I meant ‘beeg’) he keeps doing things like falling in the river, or accidentally getting married to his brother. (Although why the brother went along with that isn’t explained.) Absolute Christmas music gold.

The Night Santa Went Crazy – Is anyone out there surprised that there’s a “Weird Al” Yankovic entry on the list of my top twenty-five Christmas songs?  This song tells the tale of the night that Santa got drunk, loaded up with weapons (“Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo”), and then proceeded to slaughter most of the reindeer and blow up the workshop.  It’s a catchy tune, and I like it much better than his earlier holiday effort Christmas at Ground Zero.

Through Your Eyes on Christmas Day – The Abney Park Christmas album is just absolutely fantastic from start to finish. Highly recommended. But, as all but one of the songs are covers of holiday classics, this is the one that makes it to the list. A song about a man who has long ago lost his innocence and out grown things like Christmas finds them all again through the eyes of his child.

2000 Miles – You probably all think I’m insane now because I’ve alphabetized 2000 Miles down in the ‘T’s instead of before the ‘A’s, but I don’t really care.  Anyway, this is a Pretenders song, and while it’s usually interpreted as being a song about long-distant lovers pining for each other during the holidays, my good close personal friend the Internet informs me that it’s actually a tribute to the Pretender’s original guitar player James Honeyman-Scott, who died a year before the song’s release. Either way, I just love listening to Chrissie Hynde sing. 

Waffle, Waddle, Wallow, Wassail – Wow. How on Earth do I explain this one? Okay, back in 1987 when Will Vinton’s Claymation Studio and the California Raisins were at the height of their popularity, they did a half-hour long Christmas special.  It was primarily different Claymation characters doing traditional Christmas songs, but was hosted by a pair of Dinosaurs (Rex and Herb) in a framing sequence that involved a running joke about Here We Come A-Wassailing. First a group of canine waffle vendors come through singing “here we come a-waffling”, which the uptight Rex quickly attempts to correct them on. Later, a gaggle of geese come through singing “here we come a-waddling”, which also exasperates Rex. Then it’s a bunch of pigs singing “here we come a-wallowing”. And finally a group of half-in-the-bag elf-looking characters arrive on the scene singing the correct lyrics to Rex’s relief and joy. When the soundtrack album for the special was released, they re-edited those segments into this medley. (It’s entirely possible that you have to have seen the special in order to appreciate the song.)

What’s This? – This is from the soundtrack album to The Nightmare Before Christmas, and I’m pretty sure that you do need to have seen the movie to fully appreciate the song in this case.  It’s the song that Jack Skellington sings when he first discovers Christmastown, and is amazed and confused by everything he sees beyond that door.

White Is in the Winter Night – This is one of Enya’s Christmas songs, and between her voice and the metre of the lyrics, I’m absolutely drawn in by it. The chorus is “Green is in the mistletoe / and red is in the holly / silver in the stars above / that shine on everybody / gold is in the candlelight and / crimson in the embers / white is in the winter night / that everyone remembers”.  The whole song matches the rhythm of the chorus, and I just can’t get enough of it.

Winter Sound – I’d never heard of the Icelandic band Of Monsters and Men before discovering this song, and now that I have, I really need to listen to some of their non-Christmas selections. The song – as I understand it – is about a pair of lovers trying to survive against winter.  “You and I will not be shaken / by the winter sound”.  The voice of the singer (Nanna Bryndis Hilmarsdollir) is enchanting and ethereal, and simply grabs ahold of me and won’t let go.

Okay, this post is very long now, and you’re probably tired of reading it. Plus, I’ve got more Christmas music to listen to.