Writer's Block

 

What with this blog being named what it is and all, I figured that I’d probably better address the subject of writer’s block sooner rather than later.  So:  Here we go! 

Background Information

I was born on December 23^rd, 1970.  Why?  To grow up and write novels.  (My purpose in life is just that simple.) 

I started writing when I was young.  I wrote for school newspapers.  Once I stumbled onto fandom I wrote for newsletters and zines.  When I was nineteen, I accidentally wrote my first novel.  (How did I accidentally write a novel?  I sat down to write a short story, and when I was finished it was 79,000 words long.  Whoops!)  After writing for other people’s zines, I started making my own.  I wrote all kinds of things. 

Then, in the fall of 1997, something in my brain broke.  Over the course of two or three months, I lost the capacity for speech.  When I lost the ability to talk, I also lost the ability to write stories. 

Five years later I regained the ability to talk.  But the ability to write stories?  That hasn’t come back yet.  

Defining Writer’s Block

When most people try to visualize writer’s block, they think of a frustrated writer who can’t come up with a story to tell.  That’s not the problem that I have.  (If anything, I’ve got way too many stories to tell.) 

I think of writer’s block as not being able to access your ability to write.  That’s my problem.  Want to write, but can’t. 

The other kind of block?  I think of that as ‘storyteller’s block’.  Want to write, but can’t think of anything to write about.  And those are two completely different things.  

Storytelling vs. Blogging

Now I can already hear some of you scoffing at this.  “Wait a minute,” you say.  “You CAN write, I’m reading your writing right now!”  

Okay.  I can put my fingers on the keyboard and make words appear on the screen.  Yes, I can do that.  Unless I’m trying to write a story.  Then I can’t. 

I can write about stuff, just as if I were transcribing myself conversing (or monologuing) on whatever topic.  I can write emails to people.  I can even write about stories.  I just can’t write stories.  Fiction writing consistently eludes me.  

My uncle is always telling me that I need to write a novel.  I’ve tried explaining my writer’s block to him, but he can’t seem to wrap his mind around it.  If I can blog, why can’t I write fiction? 

To be perfectly honest, I have a difficult time understanding it myself.  (And I’m the one living with the problem.)  If I can blog, why can’t I write fiction?  Why does my brain apparently differentiate between fiction and nonfiction?  And then ban me from one, but not the other?  I wish to God I knew. 

What Actually Happens 

So what actually happens when I try to write a story?  The short answer is:  Nothing. 

There’s a famous quote (from journalist Gene Fowler) that I like:  Writing is easy.  All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.

That’s kind of what it feels like when I try to write.  Like at any moment blood is going to gush from my head. 

I put my fingers on the keyboard, and on a good day, I write a couple of words, sometimes a sentence, rarely a whole paragraph.  And then everything dries up.  On a bad day?  On a bad day I can’t even get my fingers to move.  It’s like there’s a disconnect between my brain and hands, and so the signal doesn’t go through. 

I’ve never suffered paralysis, but I can’t imagine that it feels any different than trying to push my fingers into the keyboard when I’m trying to write a story on a really bad day.  

Can’t Write, Try to Anyway

Back when I was inexplicably mute, I had a couple of ‘test phrases’ that I’d try to say one of when I woke up each morning.  I’d wake up, try and fail to say one of them, and then think to myself, “Nope, it’s not back yet.  Try again tomorrow.”

Likewise, I’ve always got a writing project that I’m (theoretically) working on.  I’ll write some notes on the story, make lists of characters and plot points, and so on. 

I try – on average about once a week – to sit down and write something from that story.  Sometimes it’s the beginning.  Sometimes it’s something from the middle.  Something that seems like I could sink my teeth into. 

So far, after trying to write I end up having to say, “Nope, it’s not back yet.  Try again next week.”

NaNoWriMo

 November (also known as National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo) is always a giant pain in my ass.  For those unfamiliar, the goal of NaNoWriMo is to write (an average of) 1667 words of a novel every day for 30 days.  Leaving you at the end with a 50,000 word novel.  Easy. 

Unless, of course, you’ve got writer’s block.  

During NaNoWriMo, it seems like everybody is writing a novel.  Except for me.  I’m just sitting there metaphorically twiddling my thumbs. 

Every time I go online in November, I’m having to read about how people are progressing on their NaNoWriMo project.  On the rare occasions that I leave my home I’m confronted with people from the outside world talking about their NaNoWriMo project.  I even have dreams where other people are writing their November novels.  Yikes.  

The very first time I attempted NaNoWriMo I cheated, and therefore was able to ‘win’.  Instead of writing my novel, I wrote about my novel.  I wrote up a detailed outline as if it were a lengthy blog post.  Yes, that’s right, I wrote a 70,000 word outline in a month. 

Other times that I’ve attempted NaNoWriMo I usually end up with less than 1667 words for the whole month.  

The Rare Exception

People like to think that there’s an exception that proves every rule.  Here’s mine.  There have been very, very rare occasions where I’m able to write beyond a paragraph or two. 

It usually happens when I’ve been obsessing more than usual on a particular story, and I get this spurt of text that leaves me feeling almost giddy… and then it stops again. 

One day I wrote the first 900 words of an urban fantasy novel.  But then, as always, it stopped.  Couldn’t write any more. 

Another time I wrote the first 1379 words of a D&D-style fantasy story.  And then, all of a sudden, I couldn’t write any more. 

These incidents are very frustrating.  But not nearly as frustrating as that one particular NaNoWriMo…

I had decided to try writing erotica.  Or maybe it was pornography.  Smut of some kind, at any rate.  And I spent all of October obsessing over the opening chapter.  This happened before my right knee went all to Hell on me and I was still walking a lot.  I’d go out and walk a mile or so, thinking about that opening chapter. 

When the clock rolled over to midnight on November 1^st, I sat down at the computer and started writing.  Actually writing.  I was stunned!  But I kept on.  And when I finished writing that long-obsessed-over opening chapter… I kept writing! 

I wrote for about three weeks, firmly convinced that my writer’s block was finally gone… and then my brain came screeching to a halt.  And then nothing.  No more text.  The story wasn’t over, but I apparently was. 

(And while I didn’t actually finish writing the novel, I did technically win that year’s NaNoWriMo.  To the tune of 114,000 words.  I was so certain that I had cracked writer’s block while I was writing that.  But…no.)  

Therapy

Back when I was still living in my brother’s basement, I admitted to my doctor that I was experiencing suicidal ideation.  His response to that was to refer me to a therapist. 

After tackling some of my more pressing issues, my therapist and I eventually turned our discussions to my writer’s block.  Just like my uncle, I’m not sure that my therapist really gets my writer’s block. 

He’s always trying to convince me to write about the period of time during which I couldn’t speak.  He says that he thinks the reason I can’t write is because I’m not trying to write something ‘personal’. 

Ignoring the fact that I have absolutely no desire to write a story about myself, I can’t see how writing a ‘personal’ story post-writer’s block is going the be the solution when none of my pre-writer’s block stories were ‘personal’. 

While therapy has helped some of my issues, it hasn’t done squat for my writer’s block.  I’m not really convinced that writer’s block can be helped by therapy.  I’ve never heard of therapy curing writer’s block.  But then again, I’ve never actually heard of anyone having my definition of writer’s block. 

I hear all about people having storyteller’s block, and eventually getting past it.  But I don’t hear about people having my particular problem.  I almost wonder if instead of therapy I should turn to neurology for an answer. 

Doesn’t a disconnect between brain and hand sound like a neurology problem?  I’ve seen a neurologist for other things.  Mainly seizures (back when I was still having those) and headaches.  But maybe I should consult one about why I can’t write.  Hmm.  You never know.